To Myself:

in Real Talk

I remember being a little kid, an always wondering why at such a young age I was always moving from place to place.

I remember my parents being domestic an to me I thought that was love. As I got older seeing different men in an out of not only my moms life but mines. Not only did my mom not think about how that affected me not having stability but the men didn’t care to think about that. But as a kid, “I Always Kept It To Myself”. Over the course of time I was repeatedly raped an molested from men as a kid even family members. But as always “ I Kept It To Myself.”

As the years went on I realize that’s was my defense mechanisms. An from there I realized that soon manifested into a bigger problem. I started looking for validation an love. But as always “I Always Kept It To Myself.” I started to have multiple sexual partners over the years, I started to try to fill in that Void. But as always “ I Always Kept It To Myself.” So 2021 Ive been officially Transitioning for 3 years an still I had those old feelings that I had as a kid. By this time I was at a place where I was still in the process of figuring out this new woman I’m becoming an discovering out. But as always “ I Always Kept It To Myself.”

So by me not knowing myself fully an trying to discover myself. Sexually an substance wise things on my end started to get out of hand. But as always “ I Kept It To Myself.” I’m 30 years old an I thought I would get it by now, to stay safe always have protected sex. Well it was a late night, an I was in an environment full of drugs anything you can think of was in my face. An I’m like a kid in a candy store. But as alway “ I Kept It To Myself.” Being the fact I’m a Hiphop dancer with Exotic look an eyes an curvy fit body I knew I had the looks an confidence to get anything I want an any man I want. But as always “ I Kept It To Myself.”

This Trans guy name “Alex” was there an from across the room I was like “Yes” that’ll be my victim tonight, my playmate for the night. But as always “ I Kept It To Myself.” A fun filled party night of drugs an passion an temptation, led to a lifetime of pain and regret. After that night I was tired all the time, I didn’t have a lot of energy. But “ I Kept It To Myself.” My taste buds changed I had fever like chills an losing a lot of weight but like always, “I Kept It To Myself”.  Went to the hospital for a check up an a week later I received a call an found out I was HIV positive.

I share a little bit about my life an my experiences to potentially help someone else who feels that, “They should keep everything to theirselves.” But my advice to you, reach out an vent, choose your circle wisely. An always wear a condom an as I give you this advice I remind myself the exact same thing. Because me holding it all in over the years I had built up anger an hurt an pain, regret, void. In which I started to look for validation. An tried to find ways to fill my void an I started to self medicate.

I share my story to let others know your not alone.

Written by LaLa💋

Instagram: official_lala_baby_

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